50 Questions -- ISamanthaX

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

I would be an old soul. A loving, quiet, tired old soul who is fun at heart.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

I think, if it is something that one has a fear but needs to overcome, never trying is worse. When it is something that is unimportant and has no relevance to the future, I believe failing is worse. Failing is almost never worse if you flip the importance, because A-you now know what to do to make it better; or B-you know this is something you cannot do at the moment and it should just be left in the past and you shall move forward.

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Say you want to bungie jump. There’s not enough time to get it done-you go to work sunrise until sundown, they won’t be open. The pay at your work isn’t that great-you’ve still got to pay for meals, gas, and necessities this week. We do so many things we don’t really want to do because it is what is expected. Such as this cycle: primary schooling, college, then a career until you retire.

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I will have more done than said. My life isn’t over and I have lots of time to get things done. I actually recently crossed something off that I’ve wanted to do for a year or so. It was a nice experience and I enjoyed it.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

I am personally in the LGBT+ family. My answer to this question is more of what would I like to change about people’s mindset, none the less still a problem for me in the world. I am attracted to two genders and the one thing that makes me very upset is when I compliment another woman (typically heterosexual) and she automatically will assume I’m flirting with her. It makes me upset beyond belief. It makes me not want to compliment people, but I choose to look past it and compliment those I know won’t do that. I just wish some would understand, they aren’t attracted to every single male out there, why am I any different?

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Nationally? Volunteer work. Personally, I think working as an FBI profiler. I think getting into people’s minds, especially criminals would be useful probably.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Oh no, sometimes it’s a little of both… I don’t really have a say in a god, but I go to church so I can see the people who say they miss me and so I can be social. I’m not usually social during the week because I just like keeping to myself but on Sunday’s I go and socialize with fellows at the service. So hm, what would that mean?

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I don’t think I would…we could all go at any moment. At twenty-three or forty. Just live it the way that’ll make you happy and it shouldn’t matter when it’s your time then.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

At the moment, I don’t have much choice but in a few years, specifically three, my life will most definitely up to be controlled exactly how I want without things like others, money, and travel tying me down.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Definitely doing the right things. I feel that if you don’t do things right, but do the right things, you will be fine. Doing the wrong things while doing them correctly…just doesn’t seem okay to me.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

Either A) find an excuse to leave. I don’t like being around that kind of negative energy. As a person with mental health issues, it just reminds me how cruel some people in the world can be and therefore upsets me. B) defend my friend, and change my mind about how I feel about those three people. Doing that to a complete stranger of theirs just shows bad qualities.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Oh! This is hard! I think the most important thing to me is how you let others control how you view yourself. It took me years to love myself, and now, I don’t have the time to try and make others love me. You either do or don’t. It’s up to you. So the piece of advice I would give to a child, assuming they can understand what I’m saying: “You love yourself first and yourself first only; while not letting others control that.”

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

This definitely depends on the intensity of the law (such as murdering a stranger, I don’t think so vs. stealing a dress to save my parent) and the person vs the intensity of the love (such as a person I met once but had an instant connection to vs my father).

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Yes! Such as a painting. Once, way back when I thought the Joker was crazy, just insane. I mean he still is, but now I see him as beautifully insane. Like, his hair is a gorgeous green I can paint onto a white canvas. His purple scars are created beautifully by mixing different dark and light paint colors. All around a calming experience for me.

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

Compared to the people I’m around all day and most of my life so far, I meal plan. I like the fact I can control it. I like to cook also so that is an upside as well. I like having healthy comfort foods too. They are so delicious.

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

Because I like to think I am different than most people my age in this generation. I find simple happiness in mailboxes and books. Not many my age do anymore. I think that many people’s attention spans are shorter due to faster technology (which in my opinion is slightly a step back). Such as movies are now shorter, around 90 minutes (as opposed to three hour movies back in the 80’s) because we can’t sit still long enough. Anyways, I’m getting off topic again, but I just it’s because well, we’re just simply different.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?

I would like to travel to Germany. Right now, the thing that’s holding me back is time and my current commitments. I have to finish what I have started right now, as well as taking care of my parents (they don’t have too much longer). So as soon as everything is well here, I can take some time off for myself and complete my dream vacation.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

Fear. Fear and anger. I grew up in an alcoholic household (both parents) and I have not let go of them slowly dying or the psychological pain they have put me through. I wish I could learn to completely let go of it all and move on.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

I think it’s because we’re used to pushing things twice, impulsively. I.e.: the home button on iPhones. You must tap it twice quickly or it won’t exit. I curse these contractions for making me do this. I don’t think it makes the ride go any faster, but with some elevators, the doors close faster.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

I think I’d like to try out the joyful simpleton life. Easy going, simple, fun. I already have anxiety so I could do without it.

Why are you, you?

Because, I have gathered bits and pieces from others, of what I thought would be the ideal person. E.G. funny, kind, smiles a lot, sarcastic. Things like that and mashed them basically into myself. It doesn’t sound good or easy but trust me it is and was. It’s kind of like conditioning yourself.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

I’m going to be a little vain here and say, yes, I absolutely have. I haven’t had very many “good” friends. More toxic friends than anything. I am caring, honest, more reliable and trustworthy than anything. I’ll always be there. I’m

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

When a good friend moves away, definitely. It’s hard to find friends that are good for you anymore. I’ve recently noticed that many people I meet in real life either don’t try to hide the negative things about them (such as verbally abusive or puts you down for being interested in something) like many did back in the Victorian ages when all you showed to someone was what you wanted them to think about you. So therefore, I think it’s important that when you have a good friend, keep them. And when they move away it’s heartbreaking of course.

What are you most grateful for?

I take a keen liking to books. They fill my time, give me knowledge, take my mind off things. Books are something I am really grateful for.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Lose all my old ones only from this point and backward. I would still remember my parents because they’re alive. I wouldn’t have to remember any of my toxic friends. It would literally be the closest thing to a fresh start.

Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

I would say so. If you’re interrogating a friend and you don’t even have to say anything and they say the truth right away, I think I’d consider that it is possible. Unless you count the challenging part to also be not just verbal but physical too- my eyes staring at her challenging.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Leeches would be my greatest fear. More specifically seeing them. I was on a trip back in my early teens when I was with a youth group. There was this obnoxious boy who was quite a bit older than me. Say I was about 12 and he was almost 16. When we were paddling along in the river and neared the end, we were told not to get out of the kayaks. Did I? No. Did he? Yes. I think I didn’t mostly for the fear of whatever was in the lake, hoping it was not anything that would bite my toes, otherwise it was a hot summer day and I was sweating so besides that jumping over the kayak sounded great. So I got out of my small boat and he flips his over to get in. He came out of the water with over ten leeches on his body. I sort started to back up because one of the older teens was telling us all about them and I was actually getting sick to stomach, if I remember right. The boy with them on his body got one of them off and started chasing me with it. So as you can see, this fear has great reason: an almost sixteen year old chasing a, now crying and hollering, twelve year old around the yard with leeches on himself and his hand. Let’s just say it probably wasn’t that great a rest the day for me.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

I can barely remember what I ate yesterday, let alone five years ago. And judging by my not remembering, it obviously did not mean much to me or stood out in any way.

What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?

I was at John Ball Zoo, and petting the stingrays with my mother. It was a fun time and I got to pet something that out in the wild would have killed me, so I like to think it was pretty special.

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

When I ride horses it makes me happy. I ride whenever I can. I like the tall feeling from being on big horses. It makes me feel bigger and really opens me up to the world. I do honestly notice more around me when I’m on the trails. I take in more scenery and keep a look out for other animals, something I wouldn’t be doing elsewhere. So, horses really make me feel alive.

If not now, then when?

See above.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Nothing really. I don’t believe I’d have an excuse. Just would need to get my bottom up and get to it, yeah?

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

I have never had this happen. What? Has anyone ever had this happen? I’ve never even heard of something like this happening. LOL. The closest thing I’ve ever had to this would talking with my neighbor betty

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Verbal wars? Well, because they’ve drilled in what you’re expected to do by the higher power. Disobey that and you’ll be in trouble. So someone goes the other way and the person who believes in the religion that says no to that feels they have done wrong. And that is where the war starts.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

I believe so. Doing something that harms another (person, animal, etc.) is considered evil. Doing something that benefits all and harms no one is considered good.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

No!  I personally, would put it in the bank and continue the job. That million won’t last forever even if I did quit the job.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

More that I enjoy doing. It would keep me busy. As a person who gets bored often, that is a wish that would be granted for me.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

Not this particular one. The sun is out on a winter day in Michigan. This is definitely new.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Talking about trans-age. I wouldn’t like to get into this. Not because it ended badly, it didn’t, but because there is nothing to the story.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

I’d want to go visit Noel Fisher. He is an actor on the show Shameless. He is such a kind person (compared to his character, Mickey LOL!) and I’d want to spend that day in 24 hours of positivity.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Sure? I was going to say no to this, because it wouldn’t really matter to me but then I thought: Why not? I mean towards the end I’ll probably be a little out of it anyways so I think being famous for acting would be kind of cool.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

Being alive: you’re surviving but not doing what you want. Truly living: you’re luxury living. You’re doing what you love.

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

When you’re about to negativity affect or effect someone. Emotionally or physically or even finically. That is when you will need to stop being so selfish and just do what is correct. (If that makes sense?)

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Maybe someone is around and watching us. Or we know we can’t do it. Things like this will hold us back.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Lots of things! I would walk differently, hold myself higher. I would have raised my hand more in class. I would step out of my shell in just so many things.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

I am not a heavy breather. At all. I only hear my breathing when I run for a while or do a really quick but long sprint. So maybe a year ago?

What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I have a newfound appreciation for the summer. The sun, with its vitamin D properties. Bless the sun. My recent actions that have brought this on is SADisorder.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

Probably not because nothing very exciting happened today. Now if I went to Cedar Point with a few of my gals, that would be more memorable-and I would probably remember it.

Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

After careful thought, I have come to realize: I am currently making them for myself.